Feeling unsure? Build confidence step by step

Feeling unsure? Build confidence step by step

Living through the pandemic has been a difficult time for everyone. We have had to adjust to living with uncertainty, and this requires effort and the ability to tolerate not knowing how things will evolve.  Add to this, experiencing self-doubt and worry due to the ongoing uncertainty and dealing with many changes due to Covid-19. The lack of energy and continuous pressure can affect our confidence in our ability to be effective in what we do. 

Fortunately, we can deal with changes by developing a flexible attitude – by being open to possibilities. David (2016) describes it as having emotional agility – when we take time to learn and understand the range of emotions we all experience as human beings. 

What is confidence?

It is the degree to which we believe our actions will achieve a positive outcome. Confidence is having the belief that we are capable and can persevere with our efforts (Harris, 2010).

Self-efficacy refers to people’s belief in their capacity to take the necessary actions to achieve their goals and deal with the consequences of their actions (Bandura, 1997).

Self-esteem refers to the view we have of ourselves – do we feel worthy, or do we feel we are not good enough? Maslow (1999) considered that we need to develop self-belief, self-respect, and feel respected to reach a sense of self-actualisation.  It is normal to have a range of feelings when we face an unfamiliar situation. Initially, we may react with apprehension and worry about potential negative consequences. 

Have you noticed how your confidence level fluctuates? When we focus on our negative thoughts such as “I am not good enough”, or “what if they do not like me?”   can make us doubt ourselves. Sometimes, we can feel overwhelmed by self-criticism due to unrealistic expectations. The fear of failure can exacerbate the feeling, more so as we worry about not wanting to make mistakes and imagining negative consequences.

What can we do to restore confidence?

Just like we practice lifting weights to increase our physical strength and exercise to strengthen our body, we can also enhance our confidence through practice. We can train our mental muscles by doing some exercises to boost our confidence.

Being present: Pausing to pay attention and be in the moment, breathing mindfully, and grounding ourselves, letting thoughts come and go without taking them personally.

It is about being willing to tolerate the discomfort – just noticing what is happening with curiosity— acknowledging that we can experience moments of vulnerability. It does not mean that we cannot manage the situation, but a recognition that we need time to restore our inner balance (Neff, 2011).

Valuing ourselves: Creating boundaries is essential to maintain our balance. For example, by learning to say no when the request does not feel comfortable, or if it goes against our values—and paying attention to the feeling of wanting to please others. By giving ourselves time to reflect on our experience, we can identify if we want to say yes to a request because we are afraid of the possible negative effect on our relationships or because it is something we agree with and so choose to do it.

Being authentic: Reconnecting with our values to remind ourselves of what is meaningful. When we are consistent in our behaviour, and in harmony with our beliefs, we are more likely to experience a sense of inner balance (Joseph, 2016).

Developing emotional agility: David (2016) described that adopting a flexible and understanding attitude enable us to manage our feelings and to adjust to new situations. Dealing with uncertainty and change can trigger feeling unsure and having doubts. It is normal to have questions and be uncertain – it allows us to question assumptions and explore options to problem-solve how to deal with a new challenge.

It can be  challenging to deal with the discomfort that tension produces. We can remind ourselves that we are stretching beyond our comfort zone. By learning to deal with the discomfort and frustration, we can then focus on what we need to do to make progress. We can learn new content, develop our knowledge and skills to restore trust in ourselves to manage challenges.

Reframing negative thoughts: It is normal to have negative thoughts, especially when dealing with difficulties and uncertainty. Taking time to notice our thoughts enables us to challenge them. We can imagine what we would say to our best friend if they were in the same situation (Tierney & Baumeister, 2019).

An effective self-distancing strategy is to use our name to go through our work or a challenging situation. Using our name, rather than referring to ourselves in the first person, we can redirect the inner chatter to focus on what we can do to move forwards (Kross, 2021).

Developing an optimistic outlook: When we have a more positive perspective, we feel more confident, and as we learn from our experiences, we build our confidence and self-belief. Whereas, when we have a negative outlook, we focus on the negative side of our experiences, we miss learning from them. It is also more likely that we will question ourselves shaking our confidence. 

Challenging ourselves: By taking the initiative to do something stretches us beyond our comfort zone, and we tolerate the uncomfortable feelings, we can learn to overcome obstacles.

We can start by identifying something we would like to do but feel too nervous about taking action. We can then visualise the steps we could take to achieve our goal (Harris, 2011). 

For example, if asking questions in a lecture or at a meeting feels too difficult, we can reflect on what prevents us from taking the initiative. Is it fear of being criticised? Or, feeling nervous because of not wanting to be in the spotlight? Acknowledging these feelings and understanding them can allow us to focus on what we want to do. To feel more in control, we can think of a few questions about topics of interest, and then we can practise with others until it feels more familiar.

Sometimes, having thoughts about what others might think of us can limit us. Often, we engage in mind reading – imagining what others think about us. We can deal with these thoughts by reminding ourselves that these are just thoughts, not facts. And if they were to have any opinions about us, we can decide whether we will let these stop our learning or choose to invest in ourselves and learn.

Learning to tolerate discomfort: When feeling uncomfortable in a new situation, we can remind ourselves of the bigger picture. Learning to tolerate uncomfortable feelings enables us to focus on what we want to do, and as we make progress, the sense of achievement will boost our confidence (Gilbert & Choden, 2013).

We can motivate ourselves by imagining how we will feel after having achieved what we wanted to do. Like any skill, through consistent practise, we can develop our confidence in social and professional situations. 

Taking responsibility for feelings: It can be very tempting to blame other people for our problems and circumstances. When we think things like “they make me feel bad”, or “they make me upset or angry” we let others affect us. Instead, we need to accept responsibility for our feelings, how we think, and behave to regain control. As we get to know ourselves, we can learn how to manage our reactions and behaviour.

Creating some alone time: We are so busy trying to juggle commitments that may seem strange to take some time away from our responsibilities.

Some may feel it is uncomfortable to be in silence and alone. However, learning to be comfortable in our own company allows us to reflect on our experiences, and when feeling insecure, we can acknowledge it as part of the human experience. It is a space to reconnect with what matters to us and time to restore our energy. 

References:

Bandura, A. (1977). Self-efficacy: Toward a unifying theory of behavioral change.
         Psychological Review, 84(2), 191-215.

Bandura, A. (1986). Social foundations of thought and action: A social cognitive
       
theory. Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice-Hall.

Bandura, A. (1997). Self-Efficacy: The exercise of control. New York, NY: W. H.
          Freeman.

David, S. (2017) Emotional agility. Get unstuck embrace change and thrive in work and life. 
         London: Penguin.

Gilbert, P. & Choden, (2013) Mindful compassion. Using the power of mindfulness and
       compassion to transform our lives.
 Great Britain: Robinson

Harris, R. (2010) The confidence gap. From fear to freedom. London: Constable &
        Robinson, Ltd.

Joseph, S. (2016) Authentic. How to be yourself and why it matters. London: Piatkus.

Kross, E. (2021) Chatter. The voice in our head an how to harness it. London:
             Vermillion.

Maslow, A. (1998) Toward a psychology of being (3rd Ed.). New York: Wiley & Sons, Inc.

Neff, K. (2011). Self-compassion: Stop beating yourself up and leave insecurity behind.
         New York, NY: William Morrow.

10 Tips to make a good start to the year

10 Tips to make a good start to the year

`Dear all

I hope you all had the opportunity to take a break and that you could connect with your family and friends.
I am looking forward to discussing topics with you in the webinars planned for this term.


New login system to attend the webinars
:

To access the link to the webinars, go to the Life Tools programme on Blackboard and select the module Life Tools webinar. Click on the module and you will see the list of webinars available. Select the one you want to attend, then click join (in black).
This link will be available 15mins before the start time. The link will take you directly to the webinar.
If you have any problems finding the link you can email me: m.a.penabizama@reading.ac.uk.

For more details about each webinar you can check the Life Tools booklet.

Also, check the Study advice team’s New Year’s blog post, and these useful resources produced by the Study Advice team:
Taking notes from online lectures,
organising your studies in a blended learning environment,
Studying at home
Read more

Being resilient in an uncertain world

Being resilient in an uncertain world

At this time of coronavirus, when there are so many changes and uncertainty, we may notice that we can quickly feel irritated or frustrated.

For example, when we make plans and things change, and as a result, we may miss out on something important to us. When this happens, it is helpful to acknowledge that we do not have control over some events and the changes that come with them. 

Read more

Studying at home during coronavirus (Part 1)

Studying at home during coronavirus (Part 1)

In this time of the coronavirus pandemic, everyone around the world is adapting to working in different ways and making changes to their day-to-day activities.

As we cannot go to the university campus to our usual places of study or work, our normal cues (library, lecture rooms, office) that remind us of our routines have gone. Now we must create new patterns of work and change our habits to make progress with our tasks.
Read more

Skip to toolbar