We have teamed up with our Counselling and Wellbeing team to bring you monthly wellbeing blogs – this month Elizabeth has written us a blog on self-compassion, leave us a comment to let us know what you think!
Noticing self-criticism
University life right now may not be what you were expecting. Perhaps you had expectations about your course or social life that haven’t been met, or maybe you are finding assignments harder than you anticipated.
In times like this, we often turn to self-criticism and start beating ourselves up: ‘I can’t do this’, ‘Everyone is having more fun than me.’ We might start to focus only on what’s going wrong, discounting any positives. Or maybe we start to blame ourselves for everything- ignoring any context.
Why is this important for students?
A big part of university life involves receiving feedback- whether through grades or evaluations. If we start criticising ourselves every time we receive feedback that isn’t entirely positive, then we are likely to feel low in mood. We might start generalising; ‘I can’t do anything right’, ‘I’m stupid’ – which will have the consequence of undermining our confidence and making it harder for us to face new challenges or assignments.
What can we do when we notice self-criticism?
When you notice yourself being self-critical pause, take a breath, and try some self-compassion instead.
What is self-compassion?
When they hear the term self-compassion- many people will think of kindness, and often say that being kind themselves won’t help them move forward. Whilst being kind to yourself is part of self-compassion- it is not just kindness alone.
Compassion can be defined as;
“a sensitivity to suffering in self and others with a commitment to try to alleviate and prevent it.” (Paul Gilbert, Compassionate Mind Foundation)
Self-compassion is about acknowledging that things might be difficult or not as we expected, but rather than beating ourselves up about it, trying to understand why this might be, and what we can do about it.
How can I practice self-compassion?
Acknowledge that you are human! You are allowed to make mistakes and have setbacks. One bad grade doesn’t mean you are stupid. Struggling during this difficult time doesn’t mean you are weak. Be kind to yourself and think about what or who can help you.
For example, if you haven’t done as well as you expected in an assignment- perhaps there are some reasons why. Maybe you didn’t have access to the resources you needed? Or maybe this was your first time doing this type of assignment and you needed more guidance? Rather than berating yourself, instead, recognise that you are struggling and think about how to get the support you need. Maybe speak to your tutor, or the Study Advice team. Then be kind to yourself- take a break, remind yourself of the assignments you have done well in.
What if its hard to practice self-compassion?
Self-compassion doesn’t always come easily to people, particularly if we place high expectations on ourselves, so if you find it hard try asking yourself the following questions:
What would I say to a friend in this situation?
Am I discounting any positives?
Am I ignoring any context or reasons why this happened?
If I was feeling better right now- how might I view things differently?
Why do we need extra self-compassion now?
Additionally, with Covid restrictions currently in place- it’s likely that your social life right now isn’t what you expected. It’s important to recognise that this isn’t your fault. Criticising yourself for something that you cant control is unlikely to make you feel any better.
New social distancing rules and hearing about cases of Covid-19 on the news is likely to trigger an emotional response within you- perhaps anxiety or frustration. When things feel out of control it can be hard to manage those feelings, which is why it’s so important to be compassionate to yourself. Perhaps these feelings have led you to be less motivated with work, or to feel unsure about decisions around everyday life – don’t criticise yourself for this, instead, be compassionate that this is a really hard time. Being kind to ourselves can often help us to soothe those difficult feelings, and be in a better place to move forwards.
Further support
There are lots of resources available to help practice self-compassion:
https://www.compassionatemind.co.uk/
If you have noticed yourself falling into the trap of self-criticism, the University has lots of support services you can turn to:
Welfare team: https://www.reading.ac.uk/essentials/Support-And-Wellbeing/Support-Arrangements/Welfare
Counselling and wellbeing: https://www.reading.ac.uk/essentials/Support-And-Wellbeing/Counselling-and-wellbeing
Togetherall: https://www.reading.ac.uk/essentials/Support-And-Wellbeing/Counselling-and-wellbeing/Togetherall
Lifetools: https://www.reading.ac.uk/essentials/Support-And-Wellbeing/Life-Tools